Readings

Locusts! Fire! Flood! It wasn't my fault, I swear to god!

So I watched the CBS movie Locusts last night. I knew going in that it would be bad, but the question was: would it be Atomic Train with Rob Lowe bad (which means no redeeming qualities), or Night of the Lepus bad (which means some people consider it their favorite movie of all time, and can justify the point).

As it turned out, it was probably closest to Lepus, but it was a close run thing. Locusts had a lot in common with Armageddon and Day After Tomorrow. Basically, the "science" was stretched to make the threat possible (as in Day After), and the solution possible ( Armageddon). I actually don't mind ridiculous science in service of making the threat possible. Like Them!, or other 50s monster movies, without Science Run Amok the movie doesn't exist. The 50s counted on radiation, but the advances of genetic engineering have meant a triumphant return of the Mad Scientist -- who is usually a lot more fun. And while John Heard didn't really capture the arrogance you can sometimes see in researchers, he nailed the obliviousness.

Lucy Lawless did a fine job as the Hero Scientist as well, though I couldn't stand most of the scenes between her and her somewhat-estranged husband. If I want domestic drama, I'll rent Ordinary People. (Actually, scratch that -- I almost never want domestic drama and I think Ordinary People is a chunk of shit.) But there was one excellent thing about this wife-husband relationship: they played it exactly as if Lawless was the 50s hero, and Husband was the 50s housewife. I actually wonder if the original script had it the more traditional roles, which they didn't bother to re-write when Lawless was cast as the protagonist.

Even so, my main reaction to the family drama was "Less smarm, more swarm!"

And then the solution to the pesticide-resistant locust swarms was to overcharge a line of power lines that followed the course of the Mississippi, creating an electrical field that would zap all the bugs. One: I'm pretty sure power lines don't work that way, and if you overcharge them they would simply melt, or the transformers would blow. I'll grant you, my electrical experince only includes a class in 7th Grade, and installing outlets in my house, so I might not know as much as a screenwriter. Two: all the power in the U.S was re-routed to make this implausible power field happen. The re-routing was done by the "National Power Management Department" or some such federal agency. I’m pretty sure if the Department of Energy had any kind of national control like that over our power grid, the 2003 blackout wouldn't have happened.

One of the weird things was the steady religious references to the Biblical plagues. Fair enough, but the lines seemed tacked on, like the producers had seen good ratings for NBC's Revelations and thought, "We gotta get the moron fundies to look past our scientist hero! Stick in some Bible lines, quick!" But since Lawless spent most of the movie dressed in bust-emphasizing tight shirts, the Bible lines went past without much worry. Especially when, early on in the movie, Lawless evacuates a Citrus Festival while wearing a bright orange, form-fitting tube top.

In 1954, we watched James Whitmore chase mutated insects across the country. In 2005, it was Lucy Lawless. As far as I'm concerned, that's evolution in action. (Except that Them! is a better movie. Oh, well. Evolution moves in fits and starts.)