Readings

Crazy Pope Stories: Note-y Bennie

I realize that no Benedicts took part in the pornocracy. But it’s still a good story. Bennie makes a comeback with the story of Pope Joan.

Crazy Pope Stories: Pornocracy

So one of the issues that has come up with the selection of Cardinal Ratz as the new pope is that he is not the most liberal of theologians. No married priests, no gays, and definitely no women as priests.

Saying that Catholicism is torn about its attitudes toward women is like saying that Canada is cold, Brazil is hot, and that Florida is full of oddballs. As obviously true as it may be, it barely covers the complexity of the issue. For example, JP Dos didn’t want women priests, but was fairly tolerant of the Virgin Mary cult. As a function of political power, only allowing men to ordain and consecrate makes them the deal breakers in the church. No matter how important Mother Teresa was, she was still (theoretically) secondary to a priest.

Anyone who has been brought up in a religious tradition knows how the female members of the congregation often run everything, with the pastor as ether final arbiter or figurehead. “OK, Pastor Bob. Say what you want about the Holy Ghost, but that ain’t gonna get the bakesale cookies baked, is it?” That’s not how my Lutheran church worked growing up, under either Pastor Jerry or Pastor Joel, but certainly women did a lot of the organizing and the work of running the church.

But when the women actually have a powerful control over the actions of the church, that’s clearly a problem for the Vatican. Maybe it’s a problem of publicity, maybe one of power, but Popes no like times when women tell them what to do.

Case in point: the 10th Century Pornocracy. Also -- and probably better -- known as the “Rule of the Harlots”

From 904 and Pope Serguis 3, until Pope John 12 is deposed in 963, two women were considered major players in the papacy: Theodora, and her daughters and Marozia and, uh, Theodora.

Allow Philip Schaff (1819-1893), American theologian and church historian, to introduce us to these ladies:

(T)hree bold and energetic women of the highest rank and lowest character, Theodora the elder (the wife or widow of a Roman senator), and her two daughters, Marozia and Theodora, filled the chair of St. Peter with their paramours and bastards. These Roman Amazons combined with the fatal charms of personal beauty and wealth, a rare capacity for intrigue, and a burning lust for power and pleasure. They had the diabolical ambition to surpass their sex as much in boldness and badness as St. Paula and St. Eustachium in the days of Jerome had excelled in virtue and saintliness. They turned the church of St. Peter into a den of robbers, and the residence of his successors into a harem. And they gloried in their shame. Hence this infamous period is called the papal Pornocracy or Hetaerocracy.

Some popes of this period were almost as bad as the worst emperors of heathen Rome, and far less excusable.

I love that last part. Except for the whole “slaughter their enemies like dogs” part, don’t these women seem like they’d be hellaciously fun to hang out with? Have some wine, fuck a Pope!

(Oh, the passage is from History of the Christian Church, Volume IV: Mediaeval Christianity. A.D. 590-1073.)

Marozia seems to have the most influence. She was supposedly the lover of Sergius 3, as well as Pope John 10, who gave her titles like senatrix and patricia. She and Sergius are said to be the actual parents of Pope John XI, though many others think he was actually the son of her first husband Duke Alberic of Spoleto. Her supposed affair with John 10 didn’t work out so well, because she and second husband Guy of Tuscany seized power in Rome, had John 10 put in prison, and eventually killed. Marozia was the power in Rome until 932, when her son Alberic 2 had her and Guy deposed and thrown in prison.

As entertaining as it is to think about sex-obsessed Popes -- that is, obsessed with having sex as opposed to making sure no one else has it -- this description of the Theodoras and Marozia seems to stem from the writing of their contemporary and political enemy Liutprand, the Bishop of Cremona. Even the Catholic Encyclopedia is somewhat circumspect about these stories. Speaking of Sergius, they comment:

These assertions are only made by bitter or ill-informed adversaries, and are inconsistent with what is said of him by respectable contemporaries.

That said, the idea of attacking the Papacy by associating it with women has other examples. Like Pope Joan.

(By the way, Wikipedia and the Catholic Encyclopedia are the sources for a lot of this information.)

Crazy Pope Stories: Benedict 4 and the "Cadaver Synod"

Benedict 4 had a three year run as Pope, from 900 AD to 903. He's not noted for much, just sort of carrying out the duties of the office. Kind of the Millard Fillmore of Popes. Not bad enough to be the Franklin "there's nothing left to do but get drunk" Pierce, not even bureaucratic enough to have the accomplishments of a Rutherford B Hayes. Even Benedict 5 can be called the William Henry Harrison of Popes, since he died very quickly after taking office (33 days in 964 AD). (Though even that title should really go to Urban 7, the record holder for shortest-ever time as a recognized Pope: 13 days in 1590. Though you could debate Stephen 2, from 752, should hold the WH Harrison title, since he was Pope for three days. But he isn't officially recognized since he wasn't consecrated as Il Papa.)

One thing that Benedict 4 did do was uphold the ordinances of Pope Formusus (891-896 AD). Formosus was one of those political Popes, working with guys like Charles the Bald of France. Anyway, Formosus was political enough that he got on the wrong side of Pope John 7, who threatened to excommunicate him. Eventually, Formosus cut a deal with John 7 where he promised never to return to Rome or "exercise priestly functions". After John 7 died, the next Pope, Marinus 1, restored Formosus to some authority. And three Popes later, Formosus took over the job himself.

I think it’s fair to say Formosus had a tumultuous time as Pope. First of all, and comedically, Formosus was forced to crown a guy named Guido (Duke of Spoleto, an Italian city-state) as Holy Roman Emperor. Formosus encouraged one of Guido’s rivals, Arnulf of Carinthia, to liberate Italy from Guido, by marching on Rome. As a result of his successes against Spoleto, Formosus then crowns Arnulf emperor. In your face, Guido!

That’s medieval politics, and Pope Formosus, his predecessors and his successors, were all mitre-deep in this kind of maneuvering.

Formosus dies in 896, and Boniface 6 comes after him. But only for 16 days, making him the runner up for the WH Harrison trophy. The guy who comes after him, Stephen 7, is a made guy of the Spoletans. He’s Guido’s guy, in other words. Except Guido died in 894. but his son and wife, Lambert and Agiltrude, were still holding a grudge against Formosus. So, in the most disgusting brown nose act in recorded history (except for maybe the career of Henry Kissinger), Stephen 7 has Formosus dug up. To stand trial!

Get this. The year-old corpse of Formosus is dressed up in Pope robes, stuck on the Papal Throne, and has to face the same charges that Pope John 7 brought him up on back in 872! These are the charges he already cut a deal on in 878, when he was, you know, still breathing. Worst of all, he gets this public defender Deacon, who is probably getting paid the 9th Century equivalent of minimum wage, and who likely sees which way the Papal wind is blowing. So poor Dead Pope Formosus naturally gets found guilty. Those assembled tear the Pope Robes off the corpse, cut off the three fingers of his right hand (which priests use to consecrate items and people as holy), and they throw his naked bones in the Tiber River.

People are so freaked out by this whole deal that Stephen 7 is put in prison, and then strangled to death. After Stephen 7 dies, the body of Formosus gets re-interred in St. Peter’s, and Corpse Trials get banned by the church. (All this takes place in the 20 days that Pope Theodore 2 is sitting on the Pope Throne.)

So think about it: how crazy have things gotten in your political life when you have to have a rule against putting corpses on trial? All I can say is, Bill Clinton better hope his heart holds out until DeLay, Frist, and Bush are all out of office.

I’ve gotten somewhat far afield of Benedict 4, yeah? I mean, how does he factor in? Right, so all the bishops that Formosus ordained (with his later-severed three fingers) were un-ordained by Stephen 7’s actions. Benedict 4 re-ordains all those guys. And for his three Papal years, things are at least a little bit stable at the dawning of the 10th Century.

Not to last, I’m afraid. After Benedict 4 dies, Leo 5 is Pope for about a month before he is (supposedly) imprisoned and then strangled to death by his successor, Pope Christopher. And then Chris (the only Pope ever named that, so far) is driven out by Sergius 3.

Ah, Sergius 3. As nasty as the Cadaver Synod is, the next 60 years and 12 Popes are seen as so bad that the whole time period is given an overall title that indicates a time of horror and depravity, like “War of the Roses” or the “Star Wars Saga”. It’s called the “Rule of the Harlots” or the “pornocracy”.

Crazy Pope Stories: Cardinal Ratz / Papa Bennie 16

I was epopping with my pals Max and JK about the Pope Carnivale that just ended, and the investiture of Cardinal Ratz as Papa Bennie. So I started looking up the history of why Ratz would have chosen Benedict as his name.

For example, my memory tell me that the recently deceased JP Dos chose that name because Juan Paul Uno, his immediate predecessor, had had such a short term (33 Days) and the name deserved a longer tryout. So that led to 27 years of a Pope named John Paul.

Back to Benedict. Wikipedia provided a convenient list of all the Popes (and antiPopes), and even a specific list of Pope Benedicts. Obviously, Bennies 14 and 15 seem to have the most immediate resonance with someone like Cardinal Ratz, and make for a reasonable journalistic contrast: pacifist (15) versus power monger (14).

But what if 14 and 15 have nothing to do with Cardinal Ratz's choice? What if it's some other Benedict? So I think I'll break up the next few posts into Crazy Pope Stories, starting with stories coming out of the previous 15 Benedicts.